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Marek Hamsik awaits his indecent proposal

29th June, 2011

Man of the moment Marek Hamsik

That hot Slovakian talent Marek Hamsik should be the target of a move by current Serie A champions AC Milan should come as a surprise to nobody. During the season just ended the attacking midfielder was the author of 11 goals and the architect of 6 more as he helped Napoli to Italy’s third and final automatic qualification berth for the Champions League, attracting the interest of clubs the likes of Chelsea, and, more recently, AC Milan.

The nature in which AC Milan’s interest has been piqued may cause a few eyebrows to rise, however.

It all began last month when Hamsik’s teammate Ezequiel Lavezzi declared that he would don a miniskirt and a blond wig if his employers Napoli qualified for the Champions League. The Argentinian striker’s hitherto undisclosed penchant for transvestitism clearly fired their chairman’s imagination.

Said chairman, Aurelio De Laurentiis, clearly repulsed at the thought of a beminiskirted Lavezzi and his nobbly knees, cast his gaze around his squad until it alit upon the perfect man for his perfect plan. Yesterday the precise form of the deal De Laurentiis hopes will take his midfielder north to the red and black side of the Lombard capital in exchange for oodles of cash began to crystallise.

“I’ll let Hamsik go only if I get an indecent proposal that leaves me breathless,” he really did tell Radio Marte yesterday, possibly whilst wearing a broad-rimmed leopard-print hat of synthetic felt with fur trim, along with matching coat and trousers, while showily blowing cigar smoke into his interviewer’s face.

Marek or Moore?

This blog can confirm that Aurelio De Laurentiis has indeed spotted an uncanny resemblance between Hamsik and Hollywood actress Demi Moore (left), star of the 1993 film Indecent Proposal, which he plans to use to his advantage in brokering a deal for his Slovakian starlet. Whether or not De Laurentiis plans to follow the script to the letter and fly Hamsik to Las Vegas is unclear, but Napoli’s chairman, who has been known to moonlight as a film producer, clearly intends to cast Silvio Berlusconi, his counterpart at AC Milan, in the role of the outrageously wealthy businessman with questionable scruples, played with such aplomb by Robert Redford 18 years ago.

Palermo chairman Maurizio Zamparini has endorsed De Laurentiis’s strategy. “Berlusconi prefers girls to footballers” he told Radio Kiss Kiss Napoli, a quotation and station that this blog really didn’t make up. “De Laurentiis, the canny sod, has worked out a way of giving the dirty old man both. An absolute masterstroke!” Zamparini didn’t go on to add.

Berlusconi has been understood to have been a fan of Redford’s since the American actor’s depiction of self-made millionaire and bunga-bunga pioneer Jay Gatsby in the 1974 screen adaptation of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s famous 1924 novel, meaning that even though an operator as astute as the owner of AC Milan will doubtless see through De Laurentiis’s ploy, he may willingly accept the role. “A marvellous man, that Gatsby,” the Italian Prime Minister may not have said. “I just don’t see why the film couldn’t have ended a few scenes sooner.” Berlusconi may soon be demanding that guests and perfomers at his own sordid sex dos refer to him as the “Great Berlusconi”.

De Laurentiis is understood to privately harbour hopes that Hamsik’s resemblance not just to Demi Moore, but also to GQ cover girl Nicole Minetti, Berlusconi’s former dental hygienist, later promoted to regional councillor and pimp[1], may also pay dividends. Minetti is implicated in Berlusconi’s underage sex trial, and the prime minister, who paved the way for the dental hygienist’s entry into politics, may wish to introduce a lookalike into a less controversy-ridden area of his life.

The Neapolitan’s scheme seems to be working. On Monday Marek Hamsik, possibly wearing a miniskirt, told the press that he would like to don the Milan jersey and speculation that Hamsik will soon be on his way continues to waft around football’s corridors so pungently that Pier Silvio Berlusconi has been forced to salvage a modicum of dignity for his father by suggesting that at least Daddy would be playing hard to get. “It won’t be us who make the indecent proposal raised by De Laurentiis,” trumpeted Berlusconi Jr in an unconvincing act of dissemblance.

If De Laurentiis’s strategy should prove successful other  moves to be made featuring Napoli players dressed as stars from Golden Raspberry-nominated motion pictures may include smooth striker Edinson Cavani in black lycra as Halle Berry’s Catwoman, and fetching fullback Andrea Dossena in rollerskates and a leotard reprising Olivia Newton-John’s role in Xanadu.


[1] Allegedly, that is

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