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Ryan Giggs and the forces of darkness

25th May, 2011

Not being a terribly big fan of sorcerers of the sociopathic strain, the Luxury Player was initially mightily relieved to discover that English law’s he-who-must-not-be-named was in fact Manchester United’s Ryan Giggs and not the Ministry of Magic’s Lord Voldemort. Imagine then the LP’s the depths of the LP’s despair when subsequent reports revealed that Voldemort, who has moved on from his turban phase, has been sheltering in Giggs’s chest hair for the past two years.

The evil being who has led Ryan Giggs astray

The vile Voldemort’s pestilent persuasiveness would certainly offer an explanation for Giggs’s decision to commit so reprehensible an act as having sex with a consenting adult and then to seek to hide the crime with a steroidal court injunction. Indeed the presence of the Dark Lord means that this story casts into shadow such trivial matters as the super-injunction taken out by Trafigura to prevent the Guardian from reporting claims that the company had knowingly disposed of toxic waste in the Ivory Coast, poisoning over 30 000 people, though this blog can’t rule out the possibility that Voldemort does in fact serve on Trafigura’s board.

Other prominent Death Eaters who have taken out super-injunctions include Sir Fred Goodwin, the former head of the Royal Bank of Scotland; BBC journalist and presenter Andrew Marr; and, possibly, former England captain and radiant television personality Alan Shearer. Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson probably hasn’t taken out a super-injunction, but the otherwise unfathomable nature of his success is surely attributable only to the employment of the dark arts.

Another England captain, the Chelsea defender John Terry, was outed as an evil wizard and super-injunctionist in 2009, and Fabio Capello, his national team manager, is understood to have reacted to the news that Ryan Giggs was an adulterous Death Eater by expressing regret that he had never had the chance to coach the Welshman.

“It’s a scruples issue,” said the England coach.[1] “Ruthless footballers are the best footballers. Plus the almost comically inflated sense of self-importance that fantasy villains possess is precisely what you need to succeed in this sport.” Capello went on to state that it would have been an honour to have managed Giggs, so that he could, in an instance of extremely public and sanctimonious chastening, have stripped him of the captaincy and vowed that as long as it was in his power to prevent him the Manchester United player would never captain his country again, and then one year later return the captain’s armband to him without any trace of shame or irony.

“I’m genuinely upset,” Capello continued. “I thought originally that I would have been able to coax him out of international retirement. At first I didn’t even know that Wales was a different country, to be honest. In Italy we just assume that everything across the English channel is one horrid gastronomic wasteland plagued with the foulest of weather. I am also, as this blog will never tire of reminding you, a big fan of racial purity, and would have loved to share thoughts on the matter with His Lordship.” He then went on to offer his services as a latter-day Garibaldi, joining the disparate peoples who had emigrated to the British Isles in centuries past (including the various Celtic nations and the subsequent waves of Germanic colonisers and enslavers settlers) together under one flag and a preposterous myth of ethnic unity, at which point a cartoon shepherd’s crook yanked him offstage.

Lord Voldemort himself has declined to comment publicly. A message, delivered by owl, did inform this blog that the Dark Lord was contractually obliged to maintain his silence until the release of the final Harry Potter film. Giggs is likely to feature in the Champions League final this weekend, where his dark arts will be put to use in an attempt to defeat football’s Harry Potter, also known as Lionel Messi.

[1] We both know that he didn’t really say that. Or anything else in this post.

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