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Gary Neville tackles class traitor David Beckham

25th May, 2011

Gramsci-idolising trade unionist and green activist Gary Neville may have been all smiles throughout last night’s testimonial, held in his honour and during which Manchester United’s constellation of stars kindly allowed the impoverished labourers of the FIAT works team a 2-1 victory, but the Luxury Player has it on firm authority that beneath the former Manchester United captain’s cheery exterior was simmering a particuarly bilious cocktail of hatred and contempt.

Red Nev’s ire is understood to have been sparked by former team-mate David Beckham’s decision to journey from America to Britain twice in as many months. Gary Neville, an environmentally conscious footballer who recently won a battle against his local council to obtain permission to erect a giant wind turbine on his property, was reportedly disgusted at the thought of the damage wrought on the planet by Beckham’s two needless trips.

Gary Neville leads Cristiano Ronaldo and Ryan Giggs in a stirring rendition of the Internationale

“It’s a ten and half hour flight from America’s west coast to the UK,” raged Neville.[1] “Do you know how much fuel he’ll burn up?” Though Luxury Player had to confess ignorance on this matter, your favourite blog hadn’t come entirely unprepared, having previously googled the distance from LA to Manchester. The first figure given was 3329km, which turned out to be the distance from LA to a town called Manchester in the American state of Tennessee, though in all fairness a trip to Tennessee might well be of interest to Beckham, should he wish to call his next child Graceland.

Such is the extent of Gary Neville’s commitment to sustainable energy that last night’s testimonial was entirely wind-powered, the chief source of wind presumably being the hot air expelled during Sir Alex Ferguson’s blustering press-conference performances over the years. Neville is reportedly also experimenting with a device that converts clichés and platitudes into electrical energy; plans are even in the works to harness the power of smug glances in the mirror, but for the time being David Beckham will have to propel his aeroplane the old-fashioned way.

But it’s not only Beckham’s utter disregard for the environment that has raised Neville’s red and green hackles.

“What’s worse,” cried the former England defender, “is Beckham’s abandonment of his people – the labouring underclass – and his increasingly slavish devotion to the legitimation of the ideological supremacy of the monied classes.” He paused to deftly slide his copy of the student primer Beginning Theory under a volume of Gramsci’s Prison Notebooks. “The only revolution to which Beckham is now committed is one that emphasises wealth and glamour as means of dyeing one’s blood blue. He’s turned his back on the marginalised and chosen to embrace the new aristocracy of celebrity. Moreover, he’s deserted his fellow workers, his teammates in their hour of need.” Neville promptly cut the interview short to prepare for a march in Manchester in protest against the coalition government’s cuts.

To the surprise of many, LA Galaxy manager Bruce Arena apparently gave David Beckham his blessing to depart for England for the second time in swift succession. Beckham’s trip to the royal wedding coincided with the snapping of a run of five games undefeated for the Galaxy, who may well miss their six-assist man against Houston tonight, and again for the upcoming premier of the film Captain America, which Beckham and his family are reportedly keen to watch.

“I think the organization and Bruce know how important it is for Gary. They will decide after the game on Saturday [against Chivas USA], and then we’ll wait and see,” David Beckham really did say, possibly with a straight face, in an attempt to account for his desire to attend yesterday’s testimonial. Gary, however, sides with the Beckham’s fellow teammates, most of whose salaries are but a tiny fraction of the former England winger’s. In fact in 2007 David Beckham earned 50 times the average MLS wage, and seems subsequently to have cleverly negotiated a contract which allows him to ignore his duties whenever he pleases. Beckham is of course following a long tradition of established stars treating America’s top flight with contempt. Branco, Lothar Matthäus and Youri Djorkaeff have all shrugged their shoulders at the league’s demands that they play, and doing likewise may represent the Englishman’s last opportunity to join a group of World Cup winners.

It has been revealed to this blog that Bruce Arena has grown weary of the disregard for his country’s top division shown by England’s most-capped outfield player, and that the coach’s apparent acquiescence is merely a cunning ruse to lull Beckham into a false sense of security before Neville escorts him north of the border to Summerisle, where Christopher Lee will introduce him to a group of sinister islanders, acquaint him with a man made from wicker, and inter him with the charred carcass of Nicolas Cage’s career.

“It was the only solution,” said a source close to both Arena and Neville. “If Bruce had been a coach here in the UK he could have resigned in protest, but over in the States even success is met with extension on the torture rack, so imagine what they’d have done to the poor fellow if he’d admitted failure.”

Recently sacked Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti and his multimillion-pound severance package were unavailable for comment.

[1] In truth he probably didn’t. In fact all of the quotations in this piece, with the exception of the one by David Beckham, may well be false.

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