Sepp Blatter and his League of Untouchable Gentlemen recruit the GFA’s Kwesi Nyantakyi
“I will take care of it personally, to ensure there is no corruption at Fifa.”
Sepp Blatter, January 2010
The words of a true champion of justice. The Luxury Player can picture Untouchable Sepp uttering these words, his voice grimly resolute and conviction’s steely glint in his eyes, before stepping back from the microphone, donning his Fedora, nodding to a grizzled Sean Connery and striding down the steps of Fifa HQ, pushing his way through a gaggle of betrenchcoated reporters, pausing only to light an unfiltered cigarette before hopping into his Buick century and driving off.
Not being any ordinary angel of justice, Sepp Blatter will, upon his return home, have slid down a pole concealed behind a set of bookcases along the back wall of his study and emerged in the hi-tech, subterranean lair he lovingly calls the Blatt Cave. His mission to assemble a team to aid him in the fight against the corrosive spread of corruption has begun.
Will Sepp succeed?
Agent Blatter’s first task is to ensure that he has all the right men in the right positions, as he strives to create the top-secret Justice League of incorruptible football administrators he has already christened the League of Untouchable Gentlemen. The first name produced by the Blattcomputer is now clear: last week Blatter made a point of congratulating the Ghana Football Association (GFA) head Kwesi Nyantakyi’s successful canditature for the presidency of the West African Football Union (Wafu). Nyantakyi, an exceptional choice, has already proven himself a man of impeccable character. Preposterously suspected of wrongdoing by the knuckle-dragging bully boys and girls at the Serious Fraud Office last year when it emerged that Mid-Sea Company, the agency which had brokered the multimillion dollar sponsorship deal between Glo Telecom and Ghana’s top division, was in fact fictitious and that the agency fee had likely gone to someone in the FA, Nyantakyi was swift in discrediting the charges against him:
“What I can confirm is that there was an agent in the deal and the transaction was done above board. There was nothing shrouded in secrecy. The FA and all the Clubs were informed about it,” he told the media. “The commission is 10% and that commission was an improvement over the previous sponsorship deals where commissions paid were 15%. This one was negotiated to 10%.”
Having already reduced corruption in Ghanaian football by a third, Nyantakyi might have justifiably considered the extension of his tenure at the head of the FA in this year’s forthcoming elections a foregone conclusion. The GFA was in agreement and moved to disqualify four ingrates who dared to oppose Sepp’s chosen one. The humble Nyantakyi will doubtless have realised that at least one of these men is a megalomaniac who must be stopped: not content with being the first man on the moon and controlling the world’s stocks of Kryptonite, beloved astronaut cum evil tycoon Neil Armstrong-Mortagbe is now trying to take over Ghanaian football too. Both he and the earthbound Vincent Sowah Odotei are planning to challenge their disqualification, presumably before signing a diabolical pact with the Klingons, Jabba the Hut and the aliens from Independence Day. Will Smith, Captain Kirk and Chewbacca have been put on alert.
When asked whether he was corrupt, lawyer Nyantakyi categorically stated that,“I am not corrupt! For me, corruption is a situation of somebody using his position to make a personal gain. Apart from what is legally due me, I don’t see any other gain I make. I rather spend my time and I am not paid for the value of the time. So to that extent, the football association is cheating us….”
Take that, doubting Thomases and Thomasinas!! In an act of sacrifice of almost messianic proportions, Kwesi Nyantakyi has willingly become corruption’s victim in order to spare the football-loving public of Ghana. The unfortunate man accepts a veritable pittance in no way commensurate with the tireless labours his office demands. In a profession where even the riches of Croesus would be scant financial reward, Nyantakyi refuses to complain when the FA underpay him and has even gone so far as to reduce the percentage he receives from kickbacks. Is it any wonder that Sepp Blatter admires him so?
Chief amongst Nyantyaki’s detractors is former African player of the year Abedi Pele, who has been critical of the state of Ghanaian league football and of the country’s woeful perfomance in the African Nations Championship (CHAN), an international tournament open only to players currently plying their trade in the country they represent. “How can I effect change when I am so grossly underpaid?” Nyantakyi may have retorted, cancelling plans to by a ninth Mercedes Benz and regretting his decision to buy one of Frank Lampard’s gold-plated ipods. The Blattman swiftly stepped in to protect his fellow Untouchable. Showing great commitment to his cause, Blatter had no choice but to reluctantly disregard the services that Abedi had rendered him in the past and to exclude the Ghanaian from the Fifa Task Force Football 2014, opting instead for Zambia’s Kalusha Bwalya, cognizant of course that with no fewer than fourteen Europeans on the twenty-one member committee the inclusion of more than a single African would have been unconscionable.
Nyantakyi has meanwhile shown himself unafraid to tackle football’s enemies, no matter how powerful they may be: “some of the people who complain the quality of the league has gone down also run clubs and the question you ask is that what have they done in their small way to help in solving the problem,” he sermonised, wagging his finger and explaining with fervent zeal that the small way in which club owners could influence Ghanaian football would naturally be much far more instrumental than any of the large ways which he as the head of Ghanaian football’s governing body has at his disposal.